Recruiters work in a simple way.
You suspect that, despite your best efforts, a good job just can't seem to locate your existence.
Why?
1: If you happen to possess the wrong set of keywords, consider yourself banished. Should your job title be even slightly askew, prepare for exile. And heaven forbid you possess an unappealing headshot—your fate is sealed.
2: The temptation arises to stuff your application with an insane number of tags and acronyms, hoping to capture the attention of those elusive recruiters. But alas! Sooner or later, your resume lands in the hands of a human. And this human, undoubtedly, will ponder the enigma before them and exclaim, "WTF."
3: It's not your fault, you insist. Blame it on the 1973 oil crisis, the government, capitalism, or even the malevolent alignment of Saturn. Oh, and let's not forget the ever-present scapegoat—COVID! Recruiters, those vile creatures, are surely the embodiment of a**holery. And let's face it, everyone lies.
4: Perhaps you're just a certified dumba**.
But remember, sometimes a banana is merely a banana.
You possess unparalleled awesomeness, the job opportunity is a match made in heaven, and yet, the elusive recruiter refuses to grace you with a call. Fear not, for it is but a minor setback. Something has undoubtedly gone awry.
The wisest course of action? Delve deep into the abyss of this perplexing situation. However, be prepared to discover naught but a bottomless void of confusion.
You, my friend, are likely deemed too expensive. Overqualified. Expensive and underqualified. Inexpensive and overqualified. Inexpensive and underqualified. Perhaps too ambitious, or not ambitious enough. You have blond hair. You have dark hair.
The quest for job-hunting wisdom continues, and even more perplexing, the pursuit of hidden job opportunities.
In your desperation, you turn to the sacred guardians of employment—the headhunters.
For lo and behold! Serious companies, armed with their avant-garde ideologies, eschew the traditional job postings and instead employ headhunters who operate covertly on LinkedIn.
But beware! These headhunters are but pawns in the grand scheme. They serve the whims of the company, caring naught for your plight.
Undeterred, you proceed directly to the domain of HR personnel.
Ah, the audacity! Even if you manage to locate the elusive hiring manager entrusted with your job posting, they will inevitably redirect you to the realm of online applications. A futile endeavor, one might say.
Behold, the ATS—an ethereal software entity that scans, organizes, and rates online job applications. It grapples with the enigmatic challenges posed by graphics, headshots, fonts, and a myriad of other perplexities.
Prepare yourself, for a robotic emissary will soon grace your inbox with a polite yet final rejection. A rejection so eloquently delivered with the acronym PFO, which translates to "Please F_ck Off."
Should your resume fail to conform to the whims of the ATS, rest assured that a human eye shall never grace its contents. The fate of your job prospects lies in the hands of the unseen.
And so, a good job eludes you.
Fear not, for we shall unveil the clandestine secrets of infiltrating a company, even if it lurks within the depths of a kangaroo's pocket.
And remember.
When someone as cool as you screws up, a guy from point 4 gets a chance.
Yours, 9-to-6
